The 10 Worst Beatles Songs, Ranked.

Let’s face it: I love The Beatles. It makes me an extremely interesting person.

That said, a band being good is boring. It’s been done before (by The Beatles). So let’s talk about their 10 worst songs and why they suck shit!

10: ’Til There Was You

In an alternate timeline, The Beatles had a long and fruitful career covering schmaltzy Broadway numbers that sound like they were written before electricity. While our current timeline has Abbey Road, the other one included universal healthcare, so.

9: All You Need Is Love

A great example of how something can be both incredibly popular and incredibly awful.

Written by the LSD that John Lennon was taking at the time, the highlights of All You Need is Love include the opening fanfare of the French National Anthem (a different, better song) and Paul yelling the lyrics to “She Loves You” (a different, better song).

Shoutout to the guitar solo for making every guitar solo since sound incredible!

8: Across The Universe

When it came to getting into Indian stuff, no Beatle was more annoying than George Harrison. This is John’s attempt to top him, and it fails to create an aura of spiritual enlightenment or a good song.

David Bowie’s 1975 cover *almost* saves this tune from Dumpsterville, but too little, too late.

7: Run For Your Life

Our only entry that, sonically, is actually a good song! Top notch guitar work from George and a brilliantly searing John vocal.

About that vocal though: Every word adds up to a long, explicit, non-figurative threat to kill a woman dead if she ever leaves the narrator (the famously kind and cool Lennon). A fun thing to do is read the lyrics and imagine them carved into someone’s front door.

6: Within You Without You

When Sgt. Pepper first came out, some said it was the perfect album, and what would the perfect album be without a perfectly timed break to go get a glass of water, maybe scroll Twitter, or call your dad?

Within You Without You is George Harrison’s attempt to get as much Indian stuff going on at once as humanly possible. It’s not an unpleasant listen the same way silence is not unpleasant.

The lyrics also serve as a good summation of your thoughts the first time you smoked weed, so if anyone is 15 years old this might be the song for you.

5: It’s Only Love

Complete with a lead guitar that sounds like it’s underwater and a Lennon vocal that uses approximately 7 words total, this song reads like the first draft of a song that, after dozens of iterations, still wouldn’t be good.

4: Mr Moonlight

Our second cover on the list, The Beatles perform Mr. Moonlight like a bunch of dime store Draculas, complete with an organ solo that somehow fails to be spooky despite being the spookiest instrument.

3: Good Night

A throwaway John song with a Ringo vocal! What a recipe for success!

The Beatles get a lot of crap for making songs directed at kids, but I loved all those dumb tunes as an 8 year old. That said, every time this track came on, I would take the White Album Disc 2 CD out of my discman and throw it into a river. Good Night sucks.

2: Don’t Pass Me By

FUN FACT: Don’t Pass Me By is Ringo’s first songwriting contribution to the group and is considered a war crime by Amnesty International.

Complete with plodding, grotesquely mic’d piano and a chanting vocal that come together to form the unmistakable feeling of motion sickness, Don’t Pass Me By asks us: “Could this get any worse?” then proceeds to answer its own question with a ho-down style fiddle solo that only a true sociopath could enjoy. Well done, Ringo.

1: Love Me Do

So how did rock’s greatest band kick off the most prestigious body of studio work ever recorded? With some nursery-rhyme style nonsense that sounds like it was written by a non-English speaker on a tuba. It eventually went to #1 so yeah maybe The Beatles are actually bad.

0: Revolution #9

Adding a 0 to the list is kind of cheap, but it felt weird to include or not-include this absolute nightmare of a track in a list of “songs”.

Imagine that you have a friend who gets really into “scrapbooking”, which is to say they cut pictures out of magazines and scotch tape them all together. Also, this friend won’t stop showing you their “art” and is on heroin.

That’s basically what Revolution #9 is: An absolute waste of vinyl that shipped to literal millions of paying customers who wanted musc. A testament to how the lazy self indulgence of millionaires knows no bounds, and a truly awful way to spend 8 minutes.

Anyway, The Beatles have like 200 other, better songs, so try listening to those. Or not. Who cares. Live your life.

i wanna live in a lighthouse

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