9 Future Toyotathon Jams
It’s the sales event that only happens once(?) a year: Toyotathon.
But along with great features, financing, and APR, we also get ads featuring a generic remake of a well known song. Let’s explore a playlist for the Toyotathons that await us on our march to the grave.
Bad Romance — Lady Gaga
This one is pretty by the book. You hear it, go, “Hm, I think I remember this” and boom, they’ve got you hooked with medium-energy shots of cars driving around a suburb surrounded by a meaningless barrage of numbers.
This brings up a key tension: the people in the car aren’t visible during these ads because the windows are rolled up. So you’re left to assume your Bad Romance is with the car itself, meaning you possibly have sex with the car. Really makes you think.
Any Bruno Mars Song
To be honest, this might have already happened. It’s impossible to tell. My brain plays a Bruno Mars song whenever I see generic 2021 Toyota footage. Also my mouth tastes like pennies.
I did think about researching this whole thing, but the idea of finding and then watching various Toyotathon ads was so depressing that I opted for wild speculation. Let’s keep the adventure going!
Run The World — Beyoncé
We all know the story: the biggest artist in the world begs the Toyota Dealership Franchisees Association of North America (TDFANA) to give her a shot. Listen, anyone can play the Superbowl, lady. It takes real dedication to play the second commercial break during Wheel of Fortune.
That said, this one’s a few years away from that perfect nostalgia factor for 40 year olds who want Sirius radio to feel like feminism. It isn’t! The only ethical platform is Grooveshark!
A-Punk — Vampire Weekend
Another one designed to transport you back to the summer of 2007, when owning a brand new Carolla felt as possible as becoming an NBA point guard. Now, you’re a Senior Engineer at a Fortune 2,000 and you’re about to drop 30 in Madison Square Garden.
Easy Living — Billie Holiday
Who loves a Toyota more than your average, everyday senior citizen? That’s right: ultra-senior citizens. People who are 110+ years old. The cryptkeepers among us.
And when these brittle bundles of bones are watching game shows they taped on a reel-to-reel system designed during the Eisenhower administration, this Depression-era classic will take them back to their early adulthood and then directly to the closest Toyota dealership.
Closer — Nine Inch Nails
Yes, there was some romantic ambiguity with “Bad Romance” in terms of you–viewer/potential buyer–and the car. However, this track completely erases any of that confusion. The Four Runner was meant for sensual congress in the most animalistic of fashions. Standard option not shown.
Imagine — John Lennon
This one’s a no-brainer. What could bring people together to create a better, more tolerant society? What could unite the masses under a single, noble cause? That’s right: enlisting in the US Marines. I’m Colonel Thumb Crumbly, and welcome to my Twitch stream.
To be clear: this is definitely going to happen at some point and people will get pissed on Twitter. Then, when they finally move to the suburbs, those idiots will come crawling back for the standard safety features and rock-bottom APR.
The Star Spangled Banner
So it turns out you’re not allowed to use the national anthem for ads! Against the rules.
Keeping that in mind, it’s probably 15 years until corporations are the only ones who can vote, which means shortly after that we’ll finally be able to stand at attention for the only American tradition that matters: the marketing efforts of a Japanese automotive company.
Old Town Road — Tupac Cover (Holographic)
Okay for this one we’re regenerating maybe the greatest lost rapper of all time as one of those eerie, dead-eyed PS3-ass projection. Is he going to rap? Absolutely not. He’s singing a song everyone is absolutely sick of in the “Fitter, Happier” voice.
Anyway, I’ll just pick up this cartoonishly large check (amount reading “$$$”) and make my way quickly to the door. It’s the Toyotathon way. You’re welcome.